Free SMS Jokes
KENTUCKEY
A woman is like a kentuckey friedchicken,
it has legs ,breasts and a greasy box
tostick your bone in.
TWINKLE LITTLE STAR
Twinkle, twinkle little rectum
bigcockscum
when you least expect them, never mind the screams
of passion whoop it up with doggy fashion.
OLD MAN
There was an old man from gosham,
who got out his bollocks to wash'em,
His wife said oh jack if you don't
put'em back,
i'll stand on the bastards and squash
em!!!(new)
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Regular
arse |
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Fat
arse |
(!) |
Tight
arse |
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Sore
arse |
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Well
used arse |
(_e=mc2_)
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Smart
arse |
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Kiss
my arse |
FAMILY
your father had your mother,
your mother had your brother,
it's just 2 bad your fathers mad and
your mothers now your lover
GUY PERIOD
If guys had they periods
They wouldcompare the size of their tampons!
DEMONSTRATION
Sex is when a guyscommunication
enters a girls information to
increase the population for a younger generation
do you get the
nformation...or do you need a demonstration
SEX IS EVIL
Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sin is forgiven
So stick it in.
VIRGIN
Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.
GUYS
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.
COOL GIRL
Im acool girl,
in acool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down
HOT SEX
There is Hot-sex,
Fast-sex, Group-sex,
Safe-sex, Leather-sex,
Telephone-sex,
and for people with your face ...
NO SEX !
WOMENS NEEDS
There are 4 animal species a woman
needs in her life: Jaguar in her garage,
mink in hercloset, tiger in her bed!
And ofcourse a donkey to pay her bills!!
SICK LEAVE
A guy call into work and says: Boss
Ican´t come to work to day, I'm sick.
Boss asks: How sick are you?
The guy says: I'm fucking my sister
how sick is that?
BRAND SEX
Sex is like Nokia - connecting people
like Nike -just do it
Like Pepsi -ask for more
Like Samsung -everyone is invited
and like me -TO GOOD TO BE TRUE!
VALENTINE
Roses are red, violets are blue,
I was born beautiful,
but what the hell happened to you?
F**KING MAFIA
Licking pussy is like playing with
the mafia...
One wrong move and you are in DEEP SHIT!!!!
THE BUSH
When an apple is green it's
ready to pluck
When a girl is sixteen she's ready to fuck!
The Alpahbet
a-ur attractive
b-ur beautiful
c-urcaring
d-ur delicous
e-ur exciting
f-ur funny
g-ur gorgeous
h-ur heavenly
I-IM
J-JUST
K-KIDDING
L-LOSER!
Luv is a sensation
Luv is a sensation dat iscaused
by temptation,
a boy puts his location in a girls destination,
do u get my explanation or do
u wanna demonstration?
Good Sex
Sex is good,
sex is fine,
doggy style or 69,
just for fun or getting paid,
everyone likes getting laid!
Equation
Do you like maths,
if so add a bed,subtract urclothes,
divide your legs and wecan multiply!
Sex Guide
Bak 2 bak,
front 2 front,
on d table,lick dcunt,
stick it in,
do ur ting,
do it hard & make her sing,
tense ur body feel dcum,
den let it rip into her bum!
Luv me tender
Luv me tender,luv me sweet,rap
ur lips around my meat,watch & smile,watch me grin,watch
thecum drip down mychin!
Life as a penis
5 reasons not 2 b a penis
1)ur bald ur entire life
2)both ur naybors r nutz
3)an arsehole lives b’hind u
4)ur bestm8s acunt
5)wen xcited u throw up den faint!
Pregnant
Sex is real evil,sex is a sin,moaning
and groaning as he slides slowly in,itcant last 4eva,I no
it’s a shame,dat 1 night of passion leads to 9months of pain!
Flying Fuck
Ill fuck you standing,I fuck
you lying,If I had wings Id fuck you flying,if you were dead,your
not forgotten,ill dig you up and fuck you rotten!
Beat Me
Beat me eat me bite my bum,
whip me strip me make mecum, suck me fuck me and lick me
out,then tickle my nipples until I shout!
£50 note tattood
on yourcock
3 advantages of gettin a £50
note tattood on urcock:
1- Ucan play wiv ur money,
2- Ucan see ur money grow
3- Ur girlcan blow as much money as she wants
Bastard Rubber
D boys say i luv u,U beleve
its true,9months l8r he says to hell wiv u,D baby is a
bastard,D mother is a whore,Nun of dis wood av happened if d
rubber hadnt tore!
Nice Arse
I like your style, I like yourclass,
but most of all i like your arse!
Cat & Rooster
cat & Rooster walkin near d pool,Cat
falls in the pool,Rooster starts laughin,Moral of d story?..Wen
ever theres a happycock theres a wet pussy!
Love poem
Roses are red, Pickles are green,
I love your legs & whats in between!
Bonna
There are 206 bones in your
body! Would u like another?
Cocktail
Is it d whiskey dat makes u
frisky.Is it d brandy dat makes u randy,Is it d gin dat
makes u slip in,Is it d rum dat makes ucum!
Triplets or Twins
I want triplets, You want twins, Lets
get in bed and see who wins!
How to satisfy a
woman
HOW 2 SATISFY A WOMAN;caress,
excite,cuddle, fascinate, spoil, kiss, rub, tease, pamper,console,
worship, respect & love.HOW 2 SATISFY A MAN; blow job
Life is like a dick
Life is like a dick! When
it's hard Fuck it!
Rainbow
Zippy & Bungle,went 2 da
jungle havin sum marvelous fun, Zippy got silly,popped out
his willy & stuck it up Bungles bum!
Love & War
LETS PLAY WAR!! You lay down and i'll
blow the shit out of you!
Little Girl
When i was a girl,i had a little
quim,i sat upon my bed & put a finger in,now im a woman
& full of grace &charm,Ican get 4fingers in & HALF
MY FUCKIN ARM!!
Virginity is like
a balloon
Virginity is like a balloon, one
prick and it's gone forever!
Question Time
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on ur
wall?
A)walnuts
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on urchest?
A)chestnuts
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on urchin?
A)a mouth full ofcock!
The Truth
QUESTION)Wots the difference between
ur job & ur girlfriend?
ANSWER)ur job always sucks!!!!!
Pringles
Sex is like a pack of Pringles!
Once you pop, youcan't stop!!
Marriage
A man woz arranged 2 b married!He
had achoice of 3 women!1st woz a rich docter,2nd woz a
poorcleaner & 3rd woz a prostitute!WHO DID HE PICK?The
1 wiv big tits!
Getting Old
U NO UR GETTIN OLD IF
1)if ur age woz ur shoe size theyd b a mile
long
2)doin it 5 times a nite means gettin up
to piss
3)the only way u get a 69 is playin bingo
Baby Please
Of all the babes ur my selection,please
dont giv me a rejection,my teeth areclean for ur inspection,so
giv my mouth a tongue injection!
HOW MANY ANIMALScAN U FIT IN A PAIR
OF TIGHTS?
10 little piggies,2calves,1
ass,1 pussy,1 beaver,loads of hares & 1 smelly fish!
Sex+drugs+rock+rave
Sex+drugs+rock+rave,lets get
drunk & misbehav,on weed+speed +little e's,well get drunk
& talk 2 trees,u only live once & den u die,so fuck
em all & lets get high!
Men like toilets
Y MEN R LIKE TOILETS
1)dey r always out of order
2)dey stink
3)the nice ones r always engaged
4)deyconsume large amounts of liquid
5)rconstantlt full of shit!
Mary's bush
Mary Mary, quitecontrary, trim that pussy its too damn hairy!!!
Horny
Roses are red, voilets arecorny, when i think of you babes
it makes me so HORNY!!!
5 bad things to say
to a naked guy
5 BAD THINGS 2 SAY 2 A NAKED GUY
1)so dis explains urcar!
2)but still work,right?
3)r ucold?
4)shood i get a pump?
5)so i guess dis makes me d early bird!
Hickory, dickory, dock
Hickory, dickory, dock,dis bitch woz
suckin mecock,daclock struck 2,i dumped me goo,& dropped
her at da end of da block!
Mary had a little lamb
Mary had a little lamb,she kept
it in da backyard,wen she took her panties off,his wooly
dick got hard!
Peter, Peter,
Pumpkin eater
Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater,had a wife & liked to beat
her,smacked her twice around da head, F**ked her arse &
went 2 bed!
Being a student
Being a student is so much
fun,wen u have degrees in playin wiv tongues,if u be my teacher
in how tongues flex,we'll both graduate in hot oral sex!
Down on her Knees
Shes down on her knees,Eager to please,Wiv a throb of his nob
in her gob,Wiv a tingle in his belly,his legs turn to jellycos
shes doin a fuckin good job!
Cat and the Sausage
Acat tries 2 get a sausage out of a river,but gets its paws
wet,then it sees a bigger 1 but falls in!MORAL OF THE STORY?The
bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy!
Oral sex
Oral sexcan b so fine,wen u
do a 69,u start 2 shake,moan & quiver,den ucum just like a
river,den u lick it up in vain,wipe ur lips and start again!
Mary's bike
Mary had a little bike,she rode it bak 2 front,all the time
the wheels went round the spokes went up hercunt
Rhyme
a mans ocupation
is to stick hiscockulation
up a wommens ventulation to
increase the population of the
younger generation if u want a demonstation plz
lie down!
NewsFlash
*NEWSFLASH* Tell ALL your female
friends that ican get 1000 tampons for ?1, No Strings attached
but for a limited period ONLY! Its A bloody good deal !
Nutella
I love when you stick your little
fingers in me deep and lick it all . Love always , Nutella.
U and the Pope
do u know what's the diference
between U geting laid, and the pope geting laid?? if the pope
gets laid, it's a sin, and if U get laid, its a miracle!! :)
Durex
Do you wan't fun Do you wan't sex Don't
forget durex
Old Days
in days of old wen knights were bold
+condoms wernt invented they tied socks around theircocks
+ people like u were prevented.
Sex, Drugs +
Birthcontrol
Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
Speed, weed and birthcontrol,
lifes a bitch, then u die,
so fuck the world
lets get high..
Kiss Me
Kiss's r blown + kiss's r wasted
kiss's rnt kiss's unless they r tasted, kiss's spread germz + germz
hated, so kiss me BABE im vacinated!
How many letters
How many letters are in the Alphabet??
Nineteen. Because ET went Home on a UFO and the FBI went
after him!
My Roof?
last night I lay in my bed looking
at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky.... then I thought
where the fuck is my roof??
Foot and Mouth
mary had a little lamb,its name
was little ralph,its burnin in a field right nowcos its got
foot and mouth
Blondes
What is the difference between blondes
and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop
Operator
This is your mobile operator
and we just found out you are too dumb to use your phone,
so please put it on ground and start jumping on it . Thank you
Blonde
Womens legs
what did the blondes womens left leg
say to the blonde womens right leg? don't know they never
met!
This Way Up
Pleas turn your mobile phone
upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H
I love you
This time im sure about wat i feel
& im gonna say it
i
i l
i lo
i lov
i love
i love y
i love yo
i love young girls with Shaven Pussys!
Mary's Lambs
Mary had 2 little lambs their
names were Jack and Gypsy. One day they got foot and mouth
and now they're black andcrispy.
Sheep
Group of sheep in field, one
says i dont feel well. The others reply shut the fuck up
your get us all shot.
Butter
Your teeth are so yellow, ican't
believe it's not butter!!!
Condom factory
Your birth certificate is an
apology letter from the condom factory.
Yo Mama
Yo mama's so ugly, even the
elephant man paid to see her.
Mary Stinks
Mary had a smelly minge with pubes
as dark ascharcoal.So most the men go round the back and stick
it up her arsehole!
Mary's Duck
mary had a little lamb she also
had a duck, she put them on the mantlepiece to see if they
would fuck!
Tampons
whats the difference between a mini
tampon..a middle tampon and a large tampon?....they r all stuck
upcunts!
Sex is like Maths
sex is like maths: Add the bed, subtractclothes,
divide the legs...
and MULTIPLY!
Suspense
how do you keep an idiot in
suspense ??? ............. ............ ...tell you later
!!!
Statistics
At this moment 5 million are having
sex 2 million are in gun fights 91milliom at a party and one
sad fucker is reading this SMS
Farmer Joneshas
farmer Joneshas got no sheep,
isn't life a drag?
coz they're all burning in a field
he's got no sheep to shag
Gary Gliter
*Newsflash*
The FA have just announced gary gliter the
next Englandcoach.
The appontmentcollapsed after he tried to
put seaman in the under 15's
Ba Ba White Sheep
ba ba white sheep grazing on sum grass
when a maff official shoots it up the ass burnt by mornin
fumes fill the sky less meat 4 kebabs & shepherds pie
News Flash
- Pakistani Earthquake
!!News flash!!
Pakistani earthquake kills 50 000!
USA sending food.
Australia sendingclothes.
britain sending ... ... ... Replacements
Leather Heather
there was a young girlcalled heather,whoscunt
lips were made of leather they made a strange noise that attracted
the boys by flapping the edges together
Little Miss Drugy
little miss drugy sat in a buggy smoking
a pipe
of weed alongcame a spider skinned up beside
her and sold her some acid and speed.
Jack and Jill
Jack & Jill went 2 the dairy, Jack
popped out his big'n airy,
Jill said "WOW WOT A WHOPPER
let's go home & DO IT PROPER
IRA
what do you do if a irish man through's
a pin at you
... ... you runcause he's got a
grenade in his mouth
Dear Mammy love annie
There was a young girl from Wick,
who asked her mum what's a prick,
her mother said Annie it goes up your fanny and
jumps up and down till it's sick.
Cock Sucker Detecotor
This is acock sucker detector
Please blow in the phone..... .. scanning....
The test was positive 90percent sperm breath...
cOCK SUCKER !!
Pink Vagina
Dad, what does a vagina look
like before sex?
A pink rose with loveley details.
And after sex?
Boy, ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?
Red Riding Hood
Bad wolf told red riding hood. Lift
your top so ican suck your tits.
No she said lifting her skirt.
Eat me like the fucking book says!
Fuck for money
sex is good sex is funny many
people fuck for money
but if you think sex is funny fuck yourself
and safe your money
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